The Wild Wild East: September 2007

Wednesday, September 26, 2007

RoboCop, Sort Of

I was on my way to work this morning when I saw something interesting: a traffic cop holding a video camera. He seemed to be trying to capture the license plates of cars running the red light.

It's a nice idea. But they DO have traffic cameras in Beijing. I've seen them.

Doesn't this seem like a step backward? I mean, Frederico Fellini this guy is not. What if he misses someone? Or what if the shot's not clear? Does he get a bad review in Variety? Two thumbs down from Ebut and Wo-puh?

I think they need a plan B.

posted by Rachel @ 11:50 AM

Give A Hoot, Don't Pollute

I bet you thought this was going to be yet another rant about the environment. Well, you'd be wrong. Mostly, anyway.

It is a pollution of a sort - the cultural kind. For you fans of foreign Americanization, McDonald's and Starbucks were just baby steps.

Now, years later, we have a medium-sized leap: Hooters has moved into town. Yes, you heard right. Hooters. In China. It may seem like an oxymoron to some, but then again, there it is.

I'll grant you, their wings recipe is hard to beat. However, the Beijing Hooters seems to be lacking in, well, actual “hooters.” It seems most Chinese think the name Hooters is some sort of reference to owls. I guess subtle, witty, double-entendre English-language humor just isn’t their bag.

The giant orange Hooters monstrosity has found a home for itself on the second floor of a small strip center, with a prime location smack dab between the Worker's Stadium and Sanlitun Bar Street – two extremely popular western nightspot locations - so they will probably draw in pretty good business.

At least one upside? Finally, men in China can stop lying to their wives and girlfriends: for once, it really WILL just be the food...

posted by Rachel @ 11:39 AM

Thursday, September 20, 2007

Guide For The Harried (Chinese) Man

I read the following in an article citing problems with crime in areas of Britain with high immigrant populations:

"Cambridgeshire Police has produced a guide to behaving in Britain that is available in 15 languages. It warns immigrants not to touch or fondle people without their permission; not to urinate or spit in public; and that people may find it intimidating to be stared at."

Where is this guide and is it printed in Chinese?

posted by Rachel @ 11:26 AM

Tuesday, September 11, 2007

I Would Make A Terrible Boyfriend.

Seemingly, I am stating the obvious.

Actually, I came to the realization today that I completely neglected my anniversary. That's right: this past weekend (Sunday the 9th, to be precise) marked one year for this little site of mine!

Congratulations, ME!

You don't have to send presents. Donations will suffice.

posted by Rachel @ 3:38 PM

His Parents Must Have Seriously Wanted Him Beaten On The Playground

I came across a gentleman while doing research at work with the unfortunate luck of being named

Dr. NIMROD Baranovitch.

Hey, part of the joy of youth is brainstorming creatively cruel nicknames for your peers. Where's the challenge?

posted by Rachel @ 3:19 PM

Friday, September 07, 2007

NEW HEALTH BREAKTHROUGH: Air-Conditioning Leads to Back Pain

You may be asking yourself:
Air-Conditioning? Back Pain? What does one have to do with the other? They're not related!

Well, you'd be wrong. According to my newest acquaintance - a (mostly) blind Chinese "an moi" masseur - they ARE related. And if he said it, then it MUST be true.

While getting a company-sponsored massage to work out the kinks and muscle tightness from my bicycle accident a couple days ago (What does YOUR company do for YOU?), the masseur said just that. He found a knot in one back muscle just inside my right scapula and apparently deduced from this that I have a love for air conditioning (oh, do I ever...).

"The Chinese understand balance and know how to engineer natural ventilation of their homes," he began. "Often, foreigners don't get this. They use air conditioning to control the temperature of the home. That's what causes this difficult type of muscle knot."

Really? If anything, I would've guessed it would be the horribly contorted way I sleep, the stiff office chair I sit in nine hours a day, getting thrown from my bike just a few short days before, or cycling an hour and a half every day through stressful Beijing traffic. But air conditioning? He definitely got me on that one. I would never have guessed.

He also kept telling me how strong my muscles were and repeatedly asked me if I was a swimmer. Which I will choose to take as a compliment. Despite the fact that, in reality, it probably translates as, "you're husky for a girl and built larger than most men I've encountered."

Which, all things considered, is probably true. I don't know if that says more about me or Chinese men. I'll let you decide.

posted by Rachel @ 12:23 PM

Wednesday, September 05, 2007

Greatest Headline in the History of Journalism:

"CHINESE BOOKWORMS GOING POTTY ABOUT POTTER"

You can't just stick "-y" on the end of a word and magically turn it into a properly-used adjective. But good try People's Daily...

posted by Rachel @ 5:09 PM

No Use Crying Over Spilt Soy Milk

Why was my soy milk spilt, you ask? Because I got into a little bike accident this morning. It was bound to happen sooner or later, and if you would've asked me where it was going to happen, I could've told you it would be the third ring road. Don't worry Mom, I 'm FINE.

The thing I didn't expect, though, was that it wouldn't be my fault. Over the past few months, I've been wavering between being a "polite, law-abiding" bicyclist or going "Chinese-style," for lack of a better descriptive term. Well, most times I now go kung-fu bicycling to work, which can be pretty aggressive, so I would've expected that my first official Beijing bicycle accident would be the fault of yours truly. (I say first "official" accident, because unofficially I was bumped by a car a few months ago, but both the other car and I were barely moving at the time and no words were exchanged. Just a few choice hand gestures. You know what I'm talking about. And apparently in China they mean EXACTLY the same thing that they do in America.)

So I was riding along my merry way on the third ring road, only about 5 minutes from the office, when out of nowhere, one of these three-wheeler, fully enclosed golf cart-type vehicles cuts directly in front of me, forcing me to swerve into the front portion of a parked minibus and throwing me off the bike onto the pavement. Of course, passersby gathered around. There was general concern for my and my bike's well-being. The guy who had cut me off got out of the car and pointed at a taxicab that was speeding away. "It was that guy. That guy cut me off." I had seen the cab cut him off in my peripheral vision, which forced the guy to cut into me. Only by the time I saw it happening, there was nothing I could do about it.

Apparently, the cabbie had already dropped off the woman he was driving and she kept the receipt which had the cab and license number on it. She gave it to the guy who had been forced into me. He had a few choice words for that cab driver, and now he was going to make sure that cab driver heard them. That cabbie is SO screwed.

Hitting someone (especially a foreigner?) = NOT GOOD.

But, all in all, the damage was minimal- a bloody toe, a few scrapes, and a bruised knee. All in all, it could've been a hell of a lot worse. I'm just glad I didn't slam into the parked minivan, but instead aimed ahead of it. I'm also exceedingly glad I chose to wear jeans today instead of the shorts I was going to; my legs would've been scraped up to hell. My bike didn't fare too badly either: one of the handlebar grips shifted a little (I manually shifted it back) and the screw that attaches the basket and headlight to the bike came loose, which I can have fixed this evening. So far no major problems, although the ride home this evening will be the true test of that. And once again: Mom, I'm FINE.

How's that for a little adrenaline kick on the way to work? Certainly got me rolling...
Oh, and the soy milk only spilled a little...still some left for lunch!

posted by Rachel @ 12:05 PM

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THE WILD WILD EAST: Everything you never knew you didn't know about life on the other side.

In China, the people are represented by two separate, yet equally important groups. The Chinese, who call this land "home," and the expats who migrate here. My name is Rachel. I am an expat. These are my stories.

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